And So The Season Begins


#1

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’



An Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.



A Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘These are bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.



The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’



The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’



And So The Season Begins …


#2

Fed up with his son’s constant use of curse words, and with Christmas fast approaching, Little Johnny’s father decided to take matters in hand. Upon explaining the situation to a child psychologist, Little Johnny’s father was told to tell his son that if he continued to curse, Santa would leave him something undesirable instead of presents. Should Little Johnny fail to respond to his father’s cautionary warnings, the psychologist recommended that the father leave dog poop in place of presents.



Each day prior to the arrival of Christmas, the father asked Little Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him, and each time Johnny replied; “I want him to bring me a damn football and leave it right next to me in my damn bed, and I want him to leave me a frickin’ “X-Box” under the frickin’ Christmas tree, and then I want to open the damn door to the garage and find a new damn bike…



Christmas morning; Little Johnny awoke to find a neat little pile of poop next to his pillow. Confused, he went down stairs and found more poop under the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked out to the garage and found an even larger pile of poop.



As Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his father, all the while smiling, asked him what Santa had brought him…



Little Johnny replied; “I’m pretty frickin’ sure he brought me a damn dog, but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!



Merry Christmas everyone!

_Ben