Peace
Bruce in Philly
Here are my two favorites from my time in bands:
What do you call an accordion player with a business card? AN OPTIMIST
What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? HOMELESS
Knock knockā¦ Whoās there?
Knock knockā¦ Whoās there?
Knock knockā¦ Whoās there?
Knock knockā¦ Whoās there?
Knock knockā¦ Whoās there?
Philip Glass
How do you know thereās a drummer at your door?
The knock speeds up and he never knows when to come in.
Whatās the difference between an onion and an accordion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an accordion.
Whatās the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz?
First you start with two millionā¦
What do you call a drummer wearing a three piece suit?
The defendant.
How do you get a bass player off your lawn?
Pay him for the pizza.
How do you know the drum kit riser is horizontal?
The drool comes out of the drummerās mouth equally on both sides.
How do you know it is a Lutheran trombonistās child playing on the playground?
He cannot swing and does not know how to use the slide.
Then there are the standard classical music jokes:
Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar but were greeted with: āSorry.ā āWe donāt serve minors.ā
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar: āIāll have a gin, no tonicā
The difference between God and a conductor? God doesnāt think of himself as a conductorā¦
Finally,
a horse walks in a bar with a trombone strapped to his saddle. The bartender asks why are you so sad? Horse says, Iām not sad.
So why the long face?
(Yup, I added the tromboneā¦)
Whatās the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
All old classics.
Here is yet another (also applied to big bands with a singer, R&B, etc.):
Q: Whatās the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.
Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Q: Whatās the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the oboe but doesnāt.
Thanks Elk, I figured you knew a million of them. I hadnāt heard any of your last four and Iām placing them in my arsenal.
Thanks for starting the thread Bruce!
Short version:
A director decides that heās going to make a movie based on the lives of famous classical composers. Looking for a prospective cast, he asks Sylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie. Stallone thinks for a moment and says, āI like Mozart. Let me be Mozart.ā
The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who heād like to play. Arnold replies, āIāll be Bach!ā
The funniest classical music joke I ever heard was this: Florence Foster Jenkins
From around the time that Bob Dylan was emerging from his āborn againā phase:
āThereās a rumor going around that Bob Dylan is getting back together again.ā
As a jazznut I have to add at least one old Kenny G joke for completion:
What did Kenny G say when he got into an elevator? āWow this place ROCKS!!!ā