Is it ok to talk about death here?

Not our musician heroes or our pets, but our moms and dads.
My mom, 101, has been on hospice for a full week, morphine administered hourly now. Just staring into blackness, either comatose or grimacing. Unable to speak for most of a year, unable to feed herself, given up all aspects of modesty or self control. Her incredible heart, strengthened by genetics and a mediterranian diet just keeps going like the energizer bunny, and now, her worst enemy.
We need to rethink end of life for people in this country. This is just cruel.

19 Likes

Such a difficult balance. My mom, at 84, just passed. We barely knew she was sick. A crazy blood cancer. All the women in her family lived well into their 90s. She just left us. So sorry about your mom’s suffering. Unimaginable!

4 Likes

Ron I am so sorry. My wife and I are just beginning to face this with her mother and I can see the day with mine is not too far off either.

For me the worry is to not remember them in the end as much as the days we were truly together.

Living in Oregon we have a choice about death with dignity. For a while there were a good number of people opposed. Interestingly, as those opposed and their families have aged, it seems now when asked most agree that this choice is humane.

I hope you and your family can find some peace.

10 Likes

Ron I feel your pain. I lost both my parents in the last two years. My fathers health declined and his heart finally gave out in sleep. My mother was more like yours and died via Covid at hospice. It’s not easy especially when I lived 1000 miles away. My kids and I were able to spend the last days with her but she was not coherent at all. My mother in law lives right next door and she is part of my wife’s daily life.

3 Likes

My heart goes out to you Ron. My mom went through the hospice experience also.:disappointed_relieved:

2 Likes

Feeling for you, Ron. Morphine is a blessing even if it’s not used to speed a passing it does reduce suffering a great deal. Living through those moments as family though… that’s tough. Peace to you all.

3 Likes

I understand the heartbreak, Ron. I lost 4 people in 2016 - my father, then my wife, then my FIL, and lastly my MIL. My in-laws were as close to me as my own parents. My father went through many months of decline that resulted eventually in multiple organ failure. My FIL spent years in excruciating physical pain, watching his mobility decline until he was bed ridden - all the while remaining sharp as a tack. My MIL, I guess thankfully, suffered from dementia so we’re guessing the end came without knowledge of death. I took care of the two of them with my SIL after my wife’s passing. Death should be allowed with dignity. That’s my own opinion. My father and FIL may have made their own choices then, rather than slow and painful declines in hospice and critical care facilities.

Peace, my friend.

2 Likes

Peace, brother.

Sometimes I swear they just need us to tell them out loud that it’s ok for them to go.

3 Likes

My parents died young, both in their late 60’s. They had us in their 30’s so it was brutal on myriad levels.

1 Like

Ron, I am so sorry for her and your suffering. I completely agree with you about the need to rethink things. My sister (mostly) and I went through a 15-year process of watching and caring for my mother as she lost her mind to dementia. There needs to be something that a person can set up while still in sound mind to specify conditions under which they can choose to have it legally ended.

3 Likes

Sorry to hear this Ron. It’s not easy to go through. Hoping you lift up other family members and hope other family members lift you up.

3 Likes

My heart is close to you Ron and my prayers for her. Look at her not with your eyes but with your soul!

4 Likes

Our hearts go to you and your mother Ron. I have been through this with both my parents and my mother in law who have left us years ago! I find solace by thinking of all the good days we spent with them, thinking about what have have learnt from them, and how they helped us become who we are! For my dad, I had to quit my job and relocate with my wife and five children to be close to him in his final months. It’s painful to see a loved one suffer, but after all those years, I look back at it, and think I have done the right thing!

4 Likes

Thank you for all your thoughts.
Mom mercifully passed last night.
We have a great group here.

16 Likes

She’s done a great job raising you and keeping her family! May she rest in peace!

2 Likes

May she rest in peace, and may you find comfort and acceptance in the days to come.

My wife and I went through this as recently as March, 2021, with my mother, who lived just a few doors down. (Hey! We were here first!) She had CHF, complicated by her own peculiar form of denial of her situation.

Hospice was a godsend; we never would have made it without their help. I guess that’s the closest thing most states have to ‘death with dignity’. At least they have people who are familiar with the process.

2 Likes

My condolences and prayers.

A sadness, and perhaps a blessing. Condolences to you and your family.

My condolences Ron. It was a mercy. I lost my Mom 8 years ago, and really lost her earlier as she spent years in dementia. I think of her every day, especially as I spent her last two years as her primary caregiver. And now my Dad has been gone over seven months and he’s very missed. It’s hard to be without them, but it has made me realize what a blessing it has been to have had them at the center of my life.

I’m sure you are feeling relief and gratitude. Be strong my friend.

3 Likes

Sincerest condolences to you and your family!