I’ve had trouble finding new music that I like, and have been frustrated with the suggestions made by various music streaming platforms. I once made a list of suggestions for the Spotify algorithm and have reproduced it below. It isn’t intended to be take too seriously, and it is not my intention to offend anyone’s taste or preferences. And Happy New Year to everyone!
Dear Spotify Algorithm:
There seems to be an impenetrable mystery regarding my musical preferences, so I have listed some pointers to help you to better serve me. Since you are a machine, I’ve decided it will be OK if I ignore your feelings.
1. Please try to remember that “jazz” does not mean “dinner music.”
2. There are too many jazz trios and quartets built around a piano, please limit piano-centered groups to 30% of any jazz you recommend. Also Kenny G is not a jazz musician.
3. I prefer the tenor sax to the alto, the flugelhorn to the trumpet. Coronet is OK.
4. Trumpet players who obsessively reach for high notes should be shot.
5. Guitar solos that climb in pitch to a screaming climax: spare me. There is a lot of valuable real estate on the fretboard, not just the part near the sound hole/pickups.
6. Vocalists frequently constitute a liability. If the singer’s volume rises with their pitch, scratch that vocalist. This is a tidy way of getting rid of a great many of them.
7. Vocalists again: they should not be ahead of the band in the mix. Back is better where singers are concerned, unless it is choral music. Do not select any choral music for me.
8. Drum machines: NO, except for really excellent digital samples. This eliminates a lot.
9. Ibid the synthesizer, unless used sparingly (I do recognize that sometimes you cannot tell, particularly if the synthesizer used digital samples. Those can sound good!)
10. I know love songs are popular, but they’ve been done to death many times over. Be very selective about love songs.
11. Highly compressed music: none of it. Entire musical infinities gone in one fell swoop. What is a fell swoop anyhow.
12. No R&B wailing (vocal gymnastics).
13. No rap, EDM, New Age. Obviously, and this should already be clear, no songs featuring “booty” or “ganstas.”
14. Harmonica parts are mostly abominable. No mouth harps except Ray Bonneville, early Bob Dylan, and blues players who use a taxicab mic.
15. A good band is built around the rhythm section, not a vocalist. Example: Count Basie’s Kansas City 5 and Kansas City 7.
16. Bass notes should be clearly audible. All of them.
17. Yes I’m a Boomer, but please no rock from the 60’s and 70’s except White Rabbit and Riders on the Storm. (I used to hit my beer can on the dashboard when Bad Moon on the Rise was playing, but I quit drinking and now the dashboard is doing better.)